Jackercrap

I know that sounds negative. Well…it is. But before all of you disgruntled sound manipulators spew your internet venom hear a brother out. Before you hear me out though let me throw some numbers and disclaimers at you.

NUMBERS:

95% of audio engineers are poopyheads.

75% of sound engineers hate their job.

50% of audio guys hate their life.

25% of sound wranglers are actually good at their job. They do things such as care.

10% of sound guys are not poopyheads. You might even say they’re pleasant.

1% of sound guys are nice and good at their job.

95% of bands that play on a local or national level are not good. This is fact not opinion. I can prove this on the Texas Instruments calculator of your choice.

75% of local bands do not know what a monitor is or how many band members need a microphone.

50% of bands are poopyheads to the sound guy even if he/she is pleasant and good at their job.

25% of bands will attempt to not communicate at all with the sound guy and then wonder why they had a hard time hearing the fourth guitar player in the monitor.

10% of bands actually try to work with the sound guy to make it a pleasant experience for everyone.

1% of bands are good, know their crap when it comes to setting up and sound, and are willing to work with the sound guy so that everyone wins.

Here comes the disclaimer part kiddies. All of those numbers are based on my experiences…obviously. That is obvious right? You understand that when people say that things are facts and it’s not something you can really prove or look up in a book that it’s really an opinion right? And you know opinions are generally based on certain experiences…right? Good.
I’ve been playing shows of varying degrees of size and awesomeness for over 12 years. These shows have been in living rooms, rock clubs, parking lots, theaters and so on. I’ve played in all kinds of bands with and for all kinds people. I’ve shared the stage with hundreds of other local/national bands. I’ve dealt with about just as many audio engineers/sound guys. This isn’t just a form of tooting my own sexy horn but illustrating that I am speaking from many of MY own experiences.
The moment that you encounter the sound guy that you will be “working” with for the evening is very important. You will both learn a lot about each other. You will discover whether your sound guy is a jerk or not and if he (or the implied he/she from now on) actually gives a crap about the job he is supposed to be doing. The sound guy will learn about how much or how little you know about what you want and need in terms of sound and equipment. Don’t forget that he is also looking to find out if any or all of your bands member are jerks. It only takes one to make things go south.
After you have sized up each other now it’s just a matter of trying to get through the night or day (if you’re playing for tweens or at a nursing home). You may have gathered or guessed from my numbers earlier that most sound guys are jerks, hate their job and life, and are not good at their job. The odds are stacked against you. However, odds are that your band is not good, doesn’t know anything about sound, and are jerks. I’m not trying to be mean but simply being real in terms of the statistics as I see them. So even if your audio engineer, an earned term in my book, is in that magic 1% you might not get to see this side of him/her because you more or less suck as musicians and people. Why would an audio engineer waste their time being nice to jerks and work hard for people who don’t know what they want/need and are still jerks oh and also play crappy music crappily? It’s just not realistic folks.
Having said all that here are some typical things you can expect from most, which really means bad, sound guys:
The first words out of their mouth are “What do you need?”
They talk to you like you’re an idiot and a jerk even if you’ve nicely and clearly told them what you want/need.
They tell you that “it’s fine” even though it clearly isn’t and they’re just being lazy.
They rush you to start playing even if you still have plenty of time.
They walk away from the soundboard half way through the first song never to be seen again.
They’re at the soundboard but they’re not hearing you saying something repeatedly into the microphone that is a message for them.
They start changing things that go completely against what you told them earlier. Things like guitars start disappearing from monitors or the vocals suddenly have a crapload of reverb.
They tell you that there’s only time for one more song when you still have 20 minutes of set time left. (This ok if you’re covering Tool or Joanna Newsom.)
They tell you to hurry up with getting your things off stage as you already are currently getting your things off stage as fast and safely as you can.
After your performance they tell you things like:
“I couldn’t really hear the bass.” (Then I’m sure no one else did. Thanks for doing nothing about that during the performance.)
“I tried to blah blah blah but blah blah blah.” (There is no try. Yoda and crap.)
“I think we should’ve (fill in the blank).” (Why are you suggesting anything after the fact? Hopefully, I’ll never have to deal with you again because you are not living in the moment and doing your job.)

Lastly, keep in mind that your sound guy for the evening might have a different job title. I’ve played shows where the sound guy was fired right before our set and the bartender was suddenly promoted to sound guy. I’ve played places where it was the new sound guy’s first night. I’ve seen sound guys show up late or not at all only to see to bouncers, cash takers or other bands run the sound. What I’m saying is that sometimes you don’t know the whole story and you just have to live with the situation.

Unfortunately, I still have a lot more to say about this about subject but I’ll save it for another time. I’ll try to make the next post more “fun” and appealing to the general public with some pictures and LARGE PRINT WORDS. Maybe it’ll even be Twinkie related…

~ by jackercrap on January 30, 2010.

Posted in Music In My World, Music Rants
Tags: audio engineer, bands, gigs, local band, national band, shows, sound engineer, sound guy, twink, Twinkie