Your New Favorite Author Continues

•June 10, 2010 • Leave a Comment

(If you haven’t peeped my previous post then I highly I suggest you check that out before digesting the following SPOILERS.)

I’m sure the past seven days have been very tough for you. That cliffhanger at the end of “Hector magillacuttey” is quite riveting. Luckily you didn’t have to wait the TEN MONTHS that it took this author to compose and post the continuation of this classic epic. If I hadn’t learned of this lost masterpiece until after the fact I’m sure that the suspense would have literally murdered me. This modern day Hemingway had the support of the common man to motivate him through those trying TEN MONTHS. Here are the two comments left for part one:

“Such a vivid story…I can’t wait to see what unfolds…. Yay!”

“OH MY GOD. Intense story man, I was beginning to think I had to start preparing to kill you in some weird twisted way lmao. Can’t wait to see how the rest unfolds man.”

Clearly everyone “can’t wait to see” how this story for the ages “unfolds”. I’m sure the suspense is murdering you too. Well here we go then. This second part is titled “The adventure continues” and is once again a copy and paste deal. Any typos or crazy ramblings are strictly from the author. Will there ever be more parts to this hidden gem?

As are young hero desends thrown out into universe,Spininng out of control. He can’t seem to believe how he got into this position. Stars flying by his head and time passing by. Our hero has time to reflect on the time and the space too which he’s in. As his thoughts start to clear his speed begins to pick up space seems to speed by faster and faster. But the one thought that continues to cross hectors mind is the giant orange planet in front of him. That is slowly becoming closer and closer.

After a long period of time of speeding threw the time and space this large orange planet closes into view. The atmosphere has large purple cloud and he can see black casums scaring it’s surface. Then as he gets closer and closer the heat hits him. The atmospheric heat doesn’t burn but sooths it’s a warmth that passes throughout our hero’s body.

Just as the heat is about to become unbearable our hero comes out of the atmosphere and hits the cool winds of the rushing air below. So once again he is falling. His speed is increadable. Falling faster and faster. The ground becoming closer and closer. Then suddenly he slows and lands on the ground in a seated possition.

Our hero is stuned a moment ago he was sur of his doom. But now suddenly he was saved. Now on a strange seemingly desolete planet. With it’s dark orange sandy surface and strange purple sky Hector can say but one thing.

“Wow”

Your New Favorite Author

•June 3, 2010 • 1 Comment

Hmmmm. I had to think for a minute about whether I should post this or not. Clearly I decided that the world would be a better place if I did in fact POST THIS. So what is it? It’s it. This is a blog from an “aspiring writer” from a certain website that is pretty much abandoned. Let me make it clear that I am only trying to help get a fellow artist’s work out there. There being the internet. This person has chosen to make this art available to the world.
This is strictly a copy and paste job so any typos and what not are not mine. This is part one of what is so far a story in two parts. The title for part one is “Hector magillacuttey”. I’ll let the work speak for itself. Enjoy.

IN a vast desert. In a world unlike our own. Lives a young boy with a oval head and a square shaped body. This young mans life consists of siting and soughting threw useless thoughts. But unknown to him his life has more meaning than just this.

As this young square shaped boy sits and ponders his life. Life also goes on. Plants grow and people move but he does not see that. All Hector sees is his life and the meaningless struggle in the nothing of it. So after much thought this young man with the oval head. Comes to the conclusion that siting here thinking on life is meanless and desides to move on.

As hector starts to move a small tuble weed rolls by. Hector being a being closely tied to fate. See this as a sign and follows. But he realizes as he follows the weed gains speed. Almost seeming to egging him to follow. Again think its fate. Matches this small rolling dead plants speed. Buts still the closer he gets the father the plant moves. Intill he’s running full speed. but right as he has his hand on the weed. It flips out of reach. Seems to grow a face. Smiles and wink than vanishes in a blink of an eye.

Hector this small oval headed square bodied lad is takin back. Nothing like this has ever happened in his small existence. Of siting and thinking of nothing. So the small boy again sits to thinks. But this time has something seemingly oddvious in mind.

After a long string of thought. Whether tubble weeds had faces,where is this place with the purple sky and the red sun. Hector stood up to go about his way when suddenly. He looked up to see an enoromus astec temple. Astec is what frist came to his oval shaped mind but who would know in this strange new world that our hero discovered.

So our hero starts to climb this giaint stair way line pyramid. While the sun fades at his back. And as he climbs it seems the universe is draw around him like a moth to the flame closer and closer. The moon seems close enough to touch and the stars begin to zoom past his face. But the one constent that remains are the stairs. They seem to go forever behind and in front of this young man. The thought of not moving and being traped in an endless cycle constently walking to no where never crosses his mind just to get to the top. And just as he sees the smiling face of the moon greeting his arrival he comes to the top.

from the top it seems like the moon is close enough to touch. Just as Hector reaches for it. It goes away and reveals a small grass hut siting on the top of this ancient temple. Unlike the temple it self the small hut look old but farly new.

There must be someone living there hector thinks to himself. One of the frist relavent thoughts of this hole exesprences. Walk toward then into sed hut. As he walks in this young man realizes the doorway is much loner than exspected.And darker as well.He wishes for some light but none comes.Till he wishes no more the moon from out side appears and the sun. Not close thus time but far very far anyway.

The stars appear planets the there life seems to glow with this magnifacent light. Almost blinding. The farther he walks the brighter it becomes entill. Pop. The light ceses and he falls into the hut.

Hector is so shocked by what he just saw he can hardly stand. He barely notice the old man in the long poucho siting in front of him.Smoking the biggest one person bong his every scence. But when he finally gets his senses back it is the frist.

Hector stands up to walk toward this old man. With long gray dreadlocks and an even longer gray beard. The bearded man with his giant bong does not even notice this small green blue oval headed boy. Intill He speaks”Hay can i hit that?” The old man look up at young hector.With a motion that at the same time lets the sun glasses on his nose dip to let you see the blood shot eyes underneath.

The old man scans hector from head to toe as if it was the biggest desision of his old life.The old mans hand disappears into his poncho in a flash. Then pop back with a cup in it.The cup is old and wooden with some green liquid in it.

The old man looks at hector eyebrow raised handing him the cup and says. ” Smoke’m peace pipe?”

With a giant smile on his old Gray bearded face. Hector takes the cup looks in it. Then he drinks. The taste was britter yet sweet. Tangy yet a little tart. But before our hero can even ponder on the strange all tasting liquid the room begins to spin. And swim and blur.

Our young hero can ownly hero the laugh of the old man as the spin gets faster and fast. He sees small brief glimpses of the room he was in.The old man laughing his old horse laughter. The tourches giving of there strange bright light. The table next to the old man with the cup from which he drank. But the door there was no door. How did he get in.

Just as he realized this small but large fact. the spining stop. The blur cesed and he was back in the stars. He could see the stars the moons and the planets. But they weren’t close but far far away. And at that moment he also realized the sensation of move was different this time. This time he wasn’t moving forword but down. He was falling but to where. Then he realized where is he falling and the he thought and said out loud.” I should of never trusted that old man.” And began to fall a enormous speed. But to where he did not know.

(Want to know what happens next? Check out part two.)

AMERICA

•May 29, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Here’s something I just came across in my craigslist wanderings.

European BEECH trees in MEMORY of 911…

various sizes

must have a large open lot, these grow into very large trees & can live well over 100 yrs

There’s not much I can say here without the GOVERNMENT blowing up my pager again. I will say that this is pretty strange in a few ways though. Don’t worry ladies…and ladies. I won’t be making a habit of posting craigslist crap.

At The Supermarket I Broke My Heart

•May 28, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I was going to post some rant about my life and my music and also my life. My patience with myself dwindled and I have temporarily abandoned said post. I also realized that I have been slacking on the CRAP in JACKERCRAP. I mean crap in terms of physical crap. Everything on here is crap.
One of the things on my never-ending to-do list of life is to scan a bunch of the crappy books, magazines, and pamphlets I’ve snatched up over the years. (Those consecutive -‘s are pretty impressive right?) So the other day I started scanning some of the smaller and easier items while watching Space Rangers on the fabulous Netflix Instant Watch. (Netflix money rolls in.) Space Rangers is not good in case you were wondering. It’s almost so bad it’s good but it’s more like so bad it ends up like most mediocre sci-fi television.
Anycrapzit, here’s some crap!

I bet you’re thinking about how sexy this boy must be now that’s he alls growed ups. Well you’d be right fool! This kid’s name is Denzel Washington! Can you believe it?! I know right?! Life is crazy and crap.
You want to know what else happens in this book which can fit in you pocket? Hold on to your seat as we take a journey through the supermarket of the 1990s. Yup. This bad boy was published in 1990 and I know it goes without saying that is out of print(OOP) and other people’s pursey(OPP). My lawyers said it was important to mention this. Oh my silly lawyers. I love you guys!

I bet you weren’t expecting to see such a similar picture again but in a different context! This thing has got some twists and curves! I don’t need to mention the shorts right? Or the tucked in shirt? What about the socks? Shoes? Underwear? Good.

He likes to go shopping and he’s got a bruise on his elbow. Let’s assume it’s from falling down the stairs and landing on a hammer.

Sure. There’s nothing more AMERICAN than potato chips!

And now we know why Denzel has diabetes.

Seriously? This is why you don’t let kids shop alone at the supermarket. I mean he’s totally forgetting about the ice cream. Come on little dude! What are you going to eat for dessert? More potato chips? Or do I mean to say crisps? If you can see some of those candy names I’ll bet a lot of them aren’t familiar. I’m starting to think maybe these pictures aren’t even from AMERICA!

Oh that kid’s face is just priceless. You can really sense that he doesn’t want to spend his hard earned oil rig money on some stupid onions. Where did this lady come from all of a sudden anyways? If you’re going to let your kid go to the supermarket unsupervised then you should really loan them a hatchet in case some creepy old lady tries to force them to buy onions. You’re welcome parents of AMERICA! I bet you want to see the rear end of this thing too. Sicko.

Oh boy! We’re treated to a variation of the pedophile with onions photo on the back of the book. This is where you can really tell that the boy is not actually concerned about shelling out some cash for onions but rather being abducted by this supermarket predator. (I wonder if this has anything to do with me finding onions in my undies the other day.)
The text on the back is humorous too. “The large and bold typeface used in these books coupled with the generous spacing between words will greatly assist children with visual discrimination.” It’s true. I thought I had seen generous spacing before but this really takes it to a whole new level. If anyone comes across the Spanish edition please let us know how that one ends.
There you go internet. Perhaps some more of this kind of thing will happen here in the future. Nah. I’ll just post stuff about washing dishes or something.

Save Draft Is A SCAM!

•May 11, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been working on and off a post explaining some things but I’ve lost good portions of it twice now. It’s really quite frustrating and I’m sure this is of little importance to you. However, I want to make it clear that I am not a quitter. I have not given up on Jackercrap! I just know that this “save draft” nonsense is faulty now. So in the meantime enjoy this picture of a cat in a duffle bag.

It's a cat.


Hopefully more nonsense coming up soon. If you have the opportunity to see The Human Centipede in a theater you should take advantage…of your neighbor’s wife. Seriously though folks, check it out. Crap.

Jackercrap 1.07

•April 12, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’m back from a brief jackercrap hiatus. It feels strangely familiar. Have you ever experienced dejackercrap vu? Where will you be tomorrow? Feel free to use that to shut down any conversation you’re caught in at a potluck dinner.
Looking back at old posts it’s quite clear that I haven’t quite found my agenda for this slice of internet limbo. I kind of like how scatterbrained it is though. It’s fitting for a name like jackercrap. Scattercrap? As usual, I have many things that I want to get around to eventually on here. Real life has been good and productive though which is usually why my jackercrap activity decreases.
Here’s something that exists:

English As An Attempted Language: Part 4 The Next Temptation

•March 23, 2010 • Leave a Comment

And here is yet another detour from my sage touring advice/defecation. You know the drill. Here’s what another happy customer wrote to me:

“I received your item and it was not the one i saw when ordering –the price is to low to return–will donate to charity–will leave No Feedback pro or Con at this junction. I always say the cheap turns out to be more expensive–will not order from you again no matter what the price point–thank you”

It sure sounds like I sent the wrong item huh? I must have screwed up big time. Once again I have no idea what’s going on with the grammar, punctuation and random Capitalization. I do want to incorporate more of—these–though. Here’s what I wrote back:

“I’m sorry to hear that you’re not satisfied with this transaction. If you could help me understand in what way you believe what you ordered is not the one you saw when ordering I would appreciate it. This was supposed to be what you ordered:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0000C8ART

If you type in the UPC on the dvd you received in Amazon’s search field it should take to you the address I provided above. The image and description matches what I sent out to my knowledge. Sorry for the inconvenience. Thanks for your order and time.”

I can sure be a nice guy even when someone is being a complete piece of crap right? I’m just too nice for my own good really. It’s true that I could have sent out the wrong thing and I have done it before…once. I thought it was possible that it happened here because I did have two different versions of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre on dvd that I sold a couple of weeks apart. Here’s what he wrote back:

“I thought I had ordered the newer version with refnee Z. As I said, the money is so small lets not continue this further–no refund is wanted or needed–thank you.”

Hmmmmmm. Sounds like someone’s story changed. You see how it went from being my fault to his? When it’s my fault he wants to crap all over me and say he’ll never buy from me again but when it’s his fault he doesn’t want to talk about it. Regardless, I hope this quick to point fingers scumbag doesn’t buy more junk from me…no matter what the price point. And of course—refnee Z? This is the most creative way of referring Renee Zellweger I’ve ever seen. Well except for this:
(For just the reference skip to 2:30 and watch out for the active F-Bombs. I’m talking about curse words people.)

It’s Official

•March 18, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Crap just got real!

I got my first solicitation related to Jackercrap in the snail mail. Apparently, if I give them $65 they’re going to help me show up on some search engines. How can I go wrong with such a great deal? Maybe I should try to barter with them. Perhaps I could offer to put flyers up for their company around their own office.

Don’t worry folks, I won’t let this go to my internet head. Yup. You know what I mean by internet head.

Touring For 6 Credits…Part 3 of 1&9

•March 17, 2010 • Leave a Comment

As you may have noticed, I’m trying to avoid some the cliche touring advice that you’ll find around the webs. I’m not going to be giving tips on how to move merchandise or how to hack coke machines. I’ll be giving in depth information on how to hack gumball machines though.
What have we talked about so far? Oh that’s right. Planning and killing time. Hmmm. What next? Lizards. No wait that doesn’t have much to do with touring. Wait! I’ve got it…sort of.

Unless you’re rich or enjoy sleeping in a car you’ll probably be staying with friends, family or total strangers. It’s been my experience that when you’re on the road your time spent in someone’s home ranges from 6 to 24 hours. Sure most of the time will probably be spent sleeping or at least pretending to sleep while kids/pets are running around on the floor above you. Either way you will probably end up interacting with your handsome host or charming hostess.

Bite.

IMPORTANT LESSON 3: SAY THANK YOU. They are doing you a favor and a pretty big one at that. I can honestly say that I would be pretty uncomfortable with having strangers staying at my place. Just make sure to throw the magic words in sooner rather than later because it’s just going to make everything much better if they know that you appreciate what they are doing for you. You might even get some free food out of it so make sure to tell them their smelly pet is the cutest you’ve ever seen and that their crappy apartment is very cozy.

Staying at a stranger’s place is also a great way to learn about the different ways people live for better or worse. Sometimes you forget how little you actually NEED to survive. That type of stuff can be quite sobering. It’s also nice to realize how easy you’ve got it. I stayed with a family in Arkansas and as with most experiences involving kids I was reminded of why I don’t want kids just yet. They had three boys each with their own severe “issues” and there was constant screaming from the kids and mother. Someone was always in time out or crying about some stupid crap. In cases like this I would rather sleep in the car or on a bed of scimitars.

So once you’ve gotten past saying thank you and raiding their fridge I’d suggest you pick and eat the brain of your host family. Find out something about them that isn’t completely boring and go from there. Most people are dying to find someone who will listen to their story of finding a quarter at work or the time they sewed some child’s feet back on. It’s the nice thing to do and you might even learn a thing or two about wormholes. Be prepared to see exhibitions of their prized possesions…cough crap…cough. When they show you their autographed Doris Day picture at least pretend that you have some sort idea of who that is and suggest that it must be worth at least $600 on ebay. And clean up after yourself you lazy bugaboo.

So you can “hack” a gumball machine by forcing a Kennedy half dollar into the coin slot and then smashing the machine with a Panasonic television. Make sure it’s a Panasonic or it won’t smash properly. (Panasonic money just rolls right in…)

Touring For 6 Credits…Part 2 of 1!7

•March 9, 2010 • Leave a Comment

So you want to tour huh? Oh you say you already have a tour planned? That’s cool. Whatever. I have a mug with a pig on it so that’s cool too. Only cool people up in here.

Like I was saying, if you can really plan ahead for an excursion such as a tour you’re already ahead of the game. I realized that I didn’t talk much about it before but it kind of goes without saying to bring extras of any musical doodads you might need. I know we ran into a situation where the cellist needed a new bow and wound up using a violin bow instead which wasn’t quite ideal. Just something to think about I guess. It might seem like no big deal when you live in NYC to find a 24-hour cello bow shop but it’s a different story in Clusterflock, Virginia.
So now you’re on the road…good for you. (Christian Bale voice is preferable.) You’ve probably got one of a series of very long drives ahead of you. How are you going to pass the time? Learn to knit? Pluck all of the hair off of your leg? The possibilities are possibilities and somewhat endless. Hopefully, you PLANNED ahead. It’s hard to go wrong with a book or any other non-pornographic reading materials. Personally, I like to take a couple of hours and flip through the radio stations. The first reason I do this is to catch up on some of the terrible radio music I’ve been missing. It’s always good to at least be aware of the terrible music that’s penetrating the ears of today’s youth. It’s plenty of fuel for conversations with your fellow “musicians” too.
“I knew this song was going to go to the parallel minor on the bridge.”
“Yeah it’s probably going to go into a quiet chorus afterwards.”
Fun stuff like that. Surfing the radio waves is also a great way to catch some local flavor. For the most part this means hearing some weird sermons and local disc jockeys talking about Mrs. Thwat’s missing goat. Every now and then you might stumble on some pretty decent college radio programing hosted by some insecure low-talking photography major named Scriah.

College.


I briefly mentioned killing time by getting to know the other people in the car. You really have to play this one by ear. If it’s 1am after a show you should be prepared to have a list of questions for your driver to help keep them awake. Conversely, be prepared to shut your crapping mouth from 7am to 11am. This might be a good time to organize all of your computer files. (We’ll get to the whole laptop/computer situation later.) So basically you just need to learn to read your bandmates. If nobody’s talking don’t be afraid to tell a racist joke or two but if it’s met with puking or coffee in your lap you better find something else to keep you occupied.
If you feel that it’s essential that you have some sort of human contact you can always turn to your phone…if you’re lucky enough to have signal in Bumbledock, Alabama. Remember that guy from high school that you haven’t talked to in 5 years? Me neither. Send him a text message anyways. Text all of your friends back home. Be sure to mention that you’re on tour and that everything is so cooooool and craaaaazy. You can also go with the I’m so bored and I was thinking about you approach too. If you have a phone with some sort of internet magic you can pretend like you’re at home visiting jackercrap.com of course. Bring a car charger because you better believe that all the animations on my page are going to kill your battery. Don’t forget about the world around you..

IMPORTANT LESSON 2: Look out the window! Dick Clark spent a lot of time and money crafting this marvelous country just for you little Kimmy. I know it’s cliche but it’s still cliche and true. I’m not just talking about the obvious wonders of nature and billboards for New Moon. You just might miss the fruit stand with some sadly mizzpelld words on it. You could even come across some Sasquatch roadkill…

This is nature...oh and some buildings.