Artybutt

•December 22, 2010 • 2 Comments

I think it’s quite obvious from the crap on here that I enjoy “found art”. I think what I enjoy most about it is trying to figure out why this art is being trashed, sold, blown up etc. I usually come to the conclusion that the person/artist realized that they suck or the person the art was given to realized that the art sucks. Sometimes I’ll just chalk it up to bored senior citizens. So do you see where this is going? I found some art.

Considering my mother is an artist/painter my knowledge is fairly limited. This piece looks vaguely familiar but it might just be the generic style throwing me off. Regardless, it was clearly not a print.

I’m not really sure about what’s going on in the pelvic region but I like it. This guy clearly knows how to party since he’s mixing guns and alcohol. I’d like to think this was some sort sexy self portrait for some community college art class. Random, unconnected thoughts are great. I considered bringing it home but I don’t really have the space. If it resembled crap a little more I might have taken it.

Happy Holidays from Jackercrap. Give me stuff.

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Yoga In The Comfort Of Your Chair

•November 30, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Wow I’m slacking again. I’m still one big slack. On the flippity flop, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
So here’s another interesting find from “the bench”.

Let the journey begin y'all.


Let me say that I am huge fan of senior citizens doing any sort physical activity especially if I can watch them without making my presence known. My favorites include anything with up and down or back and forth motions. I’m smiling right now because I’m imagining that you’re thinking sexy thoughts. Old people taste salty.
One of the great things about this dvd is that since it’s at least 50% homemade I was able to simply drag the video files off of the dvd and on to my COMPUTER’S desktop. Good thing I did this because I wound up selling this hot cake within a week of owning the crap out of it. I sell things on the internet if you didn’t know or couldn’t gather that from the previous sentence. I sold it for somewhere between $19.99 and $7,000,000,000,000,000,000. It’s going to be a joyous holiday season.

Here comes the teaser trailer but let me warn you that “as with any physical activity, some people may find the activities depicted in this video to be strenuous.” You’ve been warned you old sack of bones and plasma.

The best part is when she says harMAHNious. The other best part is the old people.

And in true Jackercrap fashion, I present you with the backside.

OLD.

Next time I’ll be discussing the instructional video where they’ll teach your grandmother how to suck eggs. Butter and vaseline are involved.

Posted in Crap, Movies
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The Most Beautiful Sound

•September 30, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been doing an “art project” of sorts with some friends for a couple of months now. The general process is that someone starts the “cycle” by sending out a piece specifically created for the group. Then the next person creates something that is a response to that piece and the process repeats until everyone has contributed something to the cycle. It’s been a great excuse to record musical ideas in a short amount of time that I probably wouldn’t have created under normal circumstances. It’s also been fun use instruments that I rarely use such as the melodica, glass bottle, tea kettle etc. Initially, we were contributing music/audio files, written works, and images. On the most recent cycle I decided that since I would be starting it off for the first that I would do something a little different.

The child is not mine. Billie Jean. I wrote and recorded the music. No animals were harmed in the making of this film. Be fruitful and multiply.

Posted in Crap, Music In My World
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Whoopty Crap! Where Are My Flowers?!

•September 12, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Can you believe that it’s been one year of Jackercrap already? Can you believe that toads tend to freeze when you shine in a light in their eyes? A toad in headlights. So…I did it! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I’m so amazing! In a world…where people give up on websites, blogs, porn, twitter, myspace, facebook, and ebay here I am still slugging it out. Granted I haven’t posted in over a month. Whoops. I mean since I’m shelling out about $6,000 a year on this website I might as well do something with it even if it’s only once a month. I have things to say and stuff to eat. Send flowers and dvds to:
Jackercrap c/o Jacker Crap
NY, USA, America

That would be the view from my parents’ kitchen in Maine. I enjoy watching the pretty Maine birds eating from the bird feeder. It’d be nice to have a bird feeder here but there’s probably some law against having bird feeders on fire escapes. I live in an apartment in NY. Have I not made that clear in the past? There aren’t many pretty birds around here anyways. Although, I see some pretty sweet eagles in the park from time to time. My trip to Maine was good. (I’ve given up on trying to have some sort of cohesive structure here. Enjoy my stream of consciousness ramblings. I dare you.) My parents always make sure my visits are awesome because if they didn’t…well I’d probably still visit them anyways for the free lodging and food. My trips to Maine generally consist of going to yard sales, swimming in the pond, walking trails, trying new and strange sodas, watching movies, catching grasshoppers/frogs/fish/cats, and eating way too much lobster. I usually manage to be allowed to relax an hour here and there too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Bye for now.

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If This Were My Job

•August 17, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’d surely be fired. Actually, I’d probably be laid off. I’ve found out that I’m quite good at that. Oh but that’s some other lame sob story.
I went through some of my unfinished posts the other day. It’s hard finding a reason or motivation to post rants based off of events from months ago. Maybe I’ll just post them “as is” some day so that you can see how dark and sexy it is up in my brain. What I’m really trying to say here is that I’m going to Maine for a week.

Yeah what’s up with that? From a business point of view that’s borderline mentally challenged. Granted, it also doesn’t fit my spiritual agenda if I have one at all. All I’m saying is that sometimes a brother like myself wants some chicken on a Sunday. If you go here you can watch the suits at Chick-Fil-A try to convince you that they’re closed on Sundays to give their slaves a rest. So where am I supposed eat chicken on Sundays? Olive Garden? Red Lobster? That’s crazy pills talk!
So I’m visiting my parents in Maine. I’m sure it will be a good time as usual. Maybe I’ll even take some lovely pictures and post them on this website. At times I forget that I can and should take the time to post whatever crap I want on here. I mean this is my own personal space! You could even say that this is my space! No, that doesn’t sound right.

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Glassjaw Takes Over USPS

•July 28, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I got this in the mail yesterday.

The SHARPIE is there just to block my address. If you are interested in sending me free stuff leave a comment and I’ll give you my address. Also, SHARPIE people please give me money. Look at all this advertising I’m doing for you. Here’s a closer look at the important part.

Once I saw this in the mail I was very happy and confused. What you see is what you get. It’s just a piece of cardboard with that classic logo. If you couldn’t figure out from the title that is the GLASSJAW logo. I’m pretty sure I got this because I ordered a hoodie from GLASSJAW a couple of years ago and my address was in their system etc. Obviously, the theories about the meaning of this are all over the place. If it’s somehow connected to a new album that would be great but I gave up on holding my breath and testicles some time ago. I think that it would be really lovely if this acted as a ticket to an upcoming show/beer pong party.

Whatever this means, it’s an interesting way to get people talking and reignite some interest. I’m just hoping that it means anything.

Posted in Music Rants
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Peavey Raptor…More Like Peavey Craptor

•July 17, 2010 • Leave a Comment

It has been my experience that the Peavy Raptor is a crappy guitar. Also, it’s called a Peavy RAPTOR. Whenever I see the word raptor it makes me think of wrapping up a girl in a tarp or perhaps some plastic. You know? Like yo son I just raptor/wrapped her down at the beach and smoked some cocaine cigarettes. Welcome to Jurassic Park.

(Doo do doo…do doo.)

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I’ve Got Terrible News…

•July 1, 2010 • Leave a Comment

This exists.
It truly is a sad day. Why I’d even call this the saddest day. For those of you reading this in a possible future where the link no longer exists let me explain. Some donkeypuppet on ebay will photoshop a picture of you into a photo of Justin Bieber. (Note that on the heading for their listing they don’t even spell this dreamy hairless boy’s name right.) So once you’ve creepily sent a stranger your naked pictures they will throw this hack job on a shirt, mousepad, or tote for only $24.99! Are people actually falling for this scam? Sadly the answer is yes based on the large amount of feedback this top-rated seller has received. Let’s look at a couple of examples.

“You made very nice photo, only my face is maybe too dark according to Michael” (Strangely enough this was for some crappy shirt with this sucker and Michael Jackson. Was MJ giving fashion advice from beyond the grave? I’m sure there’s some skin color joke in there too. Feel free to send your jokes in.)

“Awesome editing of pic used.Super item.Lightening fast service.Highly reccomend”
(This is just an example of one of the many butt junkies who don’t have the ability or friends to put their head on the body of some jerk from Halo.)

So have fun browsing and finding the right celebrity for you. There’s something for every chump. Please be sure to send in the pictures of your finished product to me for educational purposes. Happy shopping!

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AMERICA Part 2

•June 18, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Yeah yeah. I know I said that I was going to try and not post more craigslist stuff but I couldn’t pass this one up. It’s pretty simple but still fun. And here we go again…

“Hi

I have plenty of romance novels boos some paperbaks and a few of hardcovers.

list

SPLENTID
INNOCENT IN DEATH
THE DANGERS OD DECEIVING A VISCOUUNT
JUST FOR KICKS
A HOPELESS RAMANTIC
THE CHOICE
COMAANCHE
SIMPLY LOVE
ALWAYS INMY HEART
BLOOD REUNION (IV) VAMPIRE TWINS
DAKOTA BORN
FIRST
COMES MARRIAGE
COURTSHIP DANCE
DESPERATE DUCHESSES
YESTERDAY

SOME OF DANNIELE STEEL BOOKS”

Splentid? That’s my favorite! It’s just so vitid and wonterful! So yeah…I’m guessing that she’s getting rid of these because she realized that she couldn’t read anything besides the expression on the shirtless dude’s face from cover. SEX! It’s true that I’m assuming that this person is a lady. I like to make a habit of assuming at least three things a day. It goes without saying that I snatched these up to decorate my apartment. If you believe that…

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English As An Attempted Language: Part 5 The Flip Flop

•June 14, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Here’s a new one from my Amazon biznuss:

“Hi I just ordered a book from u and I based my selection of your services on your comment, “fast shipping!”

I see on the order that the delivery estimate us June 18 to JULY 6. that is potentially the slowest shipping I could possibly receive from any company, IN ANY COUNTRY.

Please advise! Thank you,
(Angry lady who has probably never used Amazon before)”

So after using many expletives in my mind I wrote her back. I just love her choice of caps in there. Do I need to mention that this is a book that she paid one cent plus shipping for? Watch out! Big spender coming through. Give her the keys to your finest room! Here’s what I had to say.

“Hi. That is simply Amazon’s estimate and not mine. Your book will be shipped media mail tomorrow which is the soonest USPS will allow me to ship anything. Obviously, I can’t guarantee anything since we all the know that USPS is far from perfect. However, you should expect to see your item within 7 to 10 business days. I am only one person and not a company. If this seems unreasonable or unfair to you please let me know and I will refund your order. Thanks for your time and business.”

Boy I sure am nice. I think that I was just born that way. I cut my own umbilical cord because I didn’t want to bother anyone. Here’s what this gentle soul wrote back to me.

“No that’s great, sorry about the tone in my mail! Look forward to getting the book 🙂
It’s a shame that that person gave you a 1 out of 5 and just said “TY”. I bet Amazon could be persuaded to remove that. I dunno.
When I get the book I will write a good review!
(Suddenly nice lady after realizing how hostile she was being)”

I could at least appreciate that she realized she was being completely belligerent and just generally lame. I have a way with women where I can make them very nice. Holding some scissors to their hair usually works. Here’s me continuing the chit chat.

“No worries. Yeah I’m not sure what happened with that 1 star rating. It seems like they just didn’t know or care about what they were doing. Oh well. Thanks in advance for your positive feedback! I appreciate it.”

I think that my subtle implication that she doesn’t know what she’s doing went undetected. So the lesson here is to know who you’re dealing with. The other lesson is that you should never be an angry c word to someone you’re purchasing something from especially if you can’t see what they’re doing to your purchase. The ultimate lesson is to buy stuff from me. Thanks.

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