English As An Attempted Language: Part 5 The Flip Flop
Here’s a new one from my Amazon biznuss:
“Hi I just ordered a book from u and I based my selection of your services on your comment, “fast shipping!”
I see on the order that the delivery estimate us June 18 to JULY 6. that is potentially the slowest shipping I could possibly receive from any company, IN ANY COUNTRY.
Please advise! Thank you,
(Angry lady who has probably never used Amazon before)”
So after using many expletives in my mind I wrote her back. I just love her choice of caps in there. Do I need to mention that this is a book that she paid one cent plus shipping for? Watch out! Big spender coming through. Give her the keys to your finest room! Here’s what I had to say.
“Hi. That is simply Amazon’s estimate and not mine. Your book will be shipped media mail tomorrow which is the soonest USPS will allow me to ship anything. Obviously, I can’t guarantee anything since we all the know that USPS is far from perfect. However, you should expect to see your item within 7 to 10 business days. I am only one person and not a company. If this seems unreasonable or unfair to you please let me know and I will refund your order. Thanks for your time and business.”
Boy I sure am nice. I think that I was just born that way. I cut my own umbilical cord because I didn’t want to bother anyone. Here’s what this gentle soul wrote back to me.
“No that’s great, sorry about the tone in my mail! Look forward to getting the book 🙂
It’s a shame that that person gave you a 1 out of 5 and just said “TY”. I bet Amazon could be persuaded to remove that. I dunno.
When I get the book I will write a good review!
(Suddenly nice lady after realizing how hostile she was being)”
I could at least appreciate that she realized she was being completely belligerent and just generally lame. I have a way with women where I can make them very nice. Holding some scissors to their hair usually works. Here’s me continuing the chit chat.
“No worries. Yeah I’m not sure what happened with that 1 star rating. It seems like they just didn’t know or care about what they were doing. Oh well. Thanks in advance for your positive feedback! I appreciate it.”
I think that my subtle implication that she doesn’t know what she’s doing went undetected. So the lesson here is to know who you’re dealing with. The other lesson is that you should never be an angry c word to someone you’re purchasing something from especially if you can’t see what they’re doing to your purchase. The ultimate lesson is to buy stuff from me. Thanks.
Jackercrap 