Well…this was just to break my dry spell. I’m entitled to do anything with this tiny slice of internet that I OWN. I’ve got at least two half finished posts that are more insightful than this but those will have to wait. Here’s a picture of something from my super professional portfolio or not…

And for those of you waiting for me to re-upload the Donnybrook stuff from my previous posts, I haven’t forgotten obviously. It will happen. Hell, someone else could even take it into their own hands to upload too. Just saying. Bye bye for now now.

Do I even need to say anything about this? Yup. I found a stack of books on “the bench” the other day. One of those books happened to be You Look Too Young to Be a Mom: Teen Mothers Speak Out on Love, Learning, and Success. Oddly enough, I was able to sell this book within a week. I suppose there’s some sort of comment on the state of American teens in there but fart. Butt fart. The point is that the picture you see above happened to be between a couple of the pages in said book. I suppose it was being used as a bookmark. If the person that was reading the book is in the picture that’s a bit narcissistic and if the reader is not in the picture well then I guess that I’m a tad scared for my life. The book also had an inscription on the inside cover. I should have transcribed it while it was in my possession but I was high on Pepto Bismal at the time. It was something along the lines of “I know you’ll make the right decision” and what not. Abor…Pepto Bismal please give me money. The picture mostly speaks for itself. It’s another example of two ladies who are really into themselves and doing a couple of the classic “I’m a girl take my picture” poses. Unfortunately, they weren’t really considering their poses in relation to each other. Perhaps the girl on the left likes to eat farts or is proud of her friend’s buttocks. Also, the girl on the right is about to barf.

Today’s lesson is to always check your books before you put them on a bench for someone else to take. You may have forgotten about the nude pictures of yourself that you used as bookmarks. Conversely, if you find some books make sure you check for nude pictures of your neighbor. Learning.

Wednesday
It’s snowing like a mother of snow and we contemplate whether we should head out or wait until the next day. We find out the open mic we’re planning on going to in New Jersey is cancelled because of the fluffy rain and we decide to head out anyways because it might end up getting worse…which it does. On the way to where we’re staying in Jersey we go to two record stores. First we go to Vintage Vinyl and browse through their incredibly weak selection of used records and cds. Their used dvd selection isn’t that bad especially if you’re looking for cheap copies of Jimmy Fallon movies, which I was not. I can’t remember the name of the other place that we went to but it wasn’t very memorable. We arrive at where we’re staying and eat chips.

Thursday
We wake up to see it has snowed a lot during the night. The place we’re staying at is fancy and on the beach. It’s probably the most amount of snow I’ve ever seen on a beach. We go to some random small town in Jersey which is on the way to the open mic we’re playing that night. We grab some decent pizza along with all of the middle school kids who are off from school because of the snow. (Learning should never stop even if you have to risk your life.) We’re not there for the pizza but for another crappy record store. The owner is blaring some silly right wing nonsense and talking to some kid about how great all of the rambling right wingers are. I get a couple of dollar records and Amelie on dvd for $3. Then we go to another record store that is hard to find and has unrealistic prices. Finally, we get to our first open mic venue and by venue I mean coffee shop in the middle of nowhere. We’re there really early so I get an ok chai latte and a chicken sandwich. There’s literally no customers except us for a bit and we start getting worried that this will be a bust/boobs. People show up and we are still worried because it’s all uh…senior citiz…old people. Oh well. We play and it’s going well until the host gets on the electronic drum set. With some regular blues jam that barely qualifies as a song having a random amateur drummer sit in wouldn’t be a problem. However, we use backing tracks even at open mics and we use somewhat complex beats with random measures in odd time signatures. (That all sounded really pompous and what not but what I’m saying is that our music is silly and hard to jam along with.) While this pretty much destroys the rest of our songs we can’t help but laugh and plow through. One thing I’ve learned from experiences like this is that you have to EMBRACE THE WEIRD and let it takes its course. Those are the kinds of things that will always make you laugh when you think back on them. They also make nice stories for when you’re hitting on transexuals in Toys-R-Us.

I didn't take many pictures but here's one to SPICE up this post.

Friday
Our host has the day off so we take the opportunity to check out some more local nonsense. We go to a flea market that we all have high hopes for but it’s all over priced junk. We did play some of The Simpsons arcade though to get in touch with our inner arcade rat. The whole place is actually kind of depressing so we try cheer ourselves up with some authentic Mexican food but it’s closed so we go NEXT DOOR to Taco Bell. Authentic as a crap. We finally get cheery at another record store. I don’t buy anything but they’ve got a lot cool crap to look at. Randomly our host let’s us know about some open mic at a local college going on that night which we decide to descend upon. We get there to find a sign that says the open mic is starting much earlier than what we were told OH and also Jeff Daniels is performing music that night at the college. (Yup Jeff Daniels the actor…and musician.) We go into the room where the open mic is being held and there are literally six people there. Apparently, there was some confusion with the start time due to a facebook event page etc. We live in crazy times son. After hanging around waiting for more people to show up we finally play. (More people don’t show up. In fact, 2 people left.) We play and have a good time but the best part is that my vocals and backing track are going through the intercom type system in the ceiling which has a hard time dealing with both things at once. Any time I’m singing the backing track basically disappears. Afterwards we go to a local hip open late coffee shop/restaurant and my chai has whipped cream on it. WEIRD.

Saturday
The only plan is to check out a record store that seems good based on internet ramblings. It’s a bit of a trek but we’re suckers for a good record store. Unfortunately, it’s like most record stores that have their crap half organized and half randomly dispersed throughout the store. I manage to find some dvds that I can flip quickly and some silly 45s including Safety Dance and Too Shy. It was also way too hot in this store which made my typical record store headache even worse. (I’ve purposefully left the name off of most of these stores for one reason or another. This store was called Princeton Record Exchange and while it is slightly better than your average record store I wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to go here. I’ll get into it another time but I’m generally finding myself disappointed with most record stores these days.) When we get back we basically space out and watch strange things on tv. Gator rat mask…

Sunday
We finally leave NJ for greener graveyards in Philadelphia also known as Philly, which is in the state of Pennsylvania. The vegan drummer from our other band lives there and one of his vegan kids is having a vegan birthday party at a local non-vegan bowling alley. This was actually the second year in a row that they were doing this vegan child’s vegan birthday party there and also the second time we attended. Two for two baby. Free bowling is always great but it’s even more fun when vegan children are running in front of you just inches away from getting beaned with a 16 pound bowling ball. Afterwards we go to our drummer’s house which is where we’ll be staying for the next two days. We check to make sure the open mic we’re doing that night is going on and I believe at one point they say it is going on and then we check again later and it’s not happening. This is the SECOND TIME we have tried to play this place and the first time we went out to the place after calling to make sure it was going on only to arrive and find it had been cancelled. I feel it is my duty to let you know that under no circumstances should you ever try to check out THE ROX BOX open mic. DON’T DO IT! So yeah…we end up watching Starbucking at our drummer’s place. I had seen it before and it should be remembered as one man’s attempt at acting crazy for the camera while going to a crap load of Starbucks locations.

Monday
We go to a bunch of thrift shops. I buy some more terrible VHS tapes for my “collection”. We “jam” with our drummer. It’s nice since we all know that band is on its last leg but we continue to enjoy the connection of making music together. (Maybe I’ll get into that whole mess sometime too.) We try to check out a really popular open mic in Philly but there’s a crazy ass line and the odds that we get to play are pretty slim so we go to our backup open mic. This other one starts quite late so we hang around for a while trying figure out the meaning of limes. The host opens up the night which is quite common and usually lame but this host is quite good. We play what ends up being nearly a full set since there’s only one other performer there. That other performer was quite amazing in his lack of any discernible knowledge of singing or playing guitar…or music in general. However, these kind of people tend to be 7 million times more entertaining and interesting than the trite middle of the road crap that most people play at open mics or “real” shows or on tv or the radio.

Tuesday
It’s the last day and we’re still human beings. We go to a town a little bit outside of Philly for that night’s open mic. We to go to a record store that is closed. This happened to us in Jersey too. The moral of that story is to always check the hours and days of operation for all record stores since they tend to have weird schedules. We kill a bunch of time at a video rental place where I pick up some cool stuff for myself and a lot to sell. We get to the coffee house that hosts the open mic only to discover that they are closing early because the giant snowstorm that supposed to hit that night. POOP. We head home to NY and don’t see a single snowflake all night.

IN CONCLUSION, we had a good time and learned a lot about open mics and ourselves. The most important thing to take away from all of this is to remember that people let fear dictate their lives and they’ll believe anything they hear. There is no supreme knowledge out there. We live our lives based on assumptions and the idea that someone always has the answer. (Sorry to get all heavy and heterosexual on you there.) This post is really long but I make no apologies for that. I’m constantly struggling to stay somewhat active with this and find a purpose/direction for this website. Deal with it…buddy.

Stuff like that. I’m also contemplating pimping my page out with all sorts of ads so that I can make a fraction of a penny per click. I heard that the internet is the place for entrepeneurs and what not. You better click that crap when I bedazzle my page.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=AKA6EXON

And of course, the rump.

And in completely unrelated news, I’m heading out for a week to play music for strangers in coffee houses. It’s a new experiment for me and I’m hoping it is better than playing random shows in random places for random people. You could probably call it an open mic tour but you could also call it playing a bunch of open mics outside of my immediate area.

And the bidding starts now. Let that be a lesson to all of you who want to send Maxim magazine to your incarcerated friends and relatives. If you buy something directly from Amazon or some other online retailer the jail/prison will accept it. However, if you purchase something from a third party, like me, who operates through the online retailer your horny convict will not receive their masturbation aids. Aids.

Anycraps, this is what the conversation looked like. Actually, this is exactly what the conversation looked like. In reality, this is exactly what the conversation looked like except for changing a name and address to protect all idiots involved.

This is ME: Hi. I wanted to let you know that this item was returned to me today from the post office. It was marked “refused”, “item not accepted” and “return to sender” by its destination. It’s sometimes the case that jails/prisons will not accept certain items or types of mail. If you would like I can refund you what you paid for the item but not the shipping since that has already been paid for. Thanks for your time and order.

Not ME: Could u send it to Belial Fartzencopher 8064 Necronostril Lane Peanutcop ca 9qq2q.. Was this a used copy that might be why

It’s ME again: It clearly stated in my description that this is a used magazine. You will need to pay for shipping again if you would like it delivered again.

Definitely not ME: Id like my refund then minus shipping

Ooooh my life…barf.

Considering my mother is an artist/painter my knowledge is fairly limited. This piece looks vaguely familiar but it might just be the generic style throwing me off. Regardless, it was clearly not a print.

I’m not really sure about what’s going on in the pelvic region but I like it. This guy clearly knows how to party since he’s mixing guns and alcohol. I’d like to think this was some sort sexy self portrait for some community college art class. Random, unconnected thoughts are great. I considered bringing it home but I don’t really have the space. If it resembled crap a little more I might have taken it.

Happy Holidays from Jackercrap. Give me stuff.

Let the journey begin y'all.

Here comes the teaser trailer but let me warn you that “as with any physical activity, some people may find the activities depicted in this video to be strenuous.” You’ve been warned you old sack of bones and plasma.

The best part is when she says harMAHNious. The other best part is the old people.

And in true Jackercrap fashion, I present you with the backside.

OLD.

Next time I’ll be discussing the instructional video where they’ll teach your grandmother how to suck eggs. Butter and vaseline are involved.